Totally Legit and Real Advice Column Article

This is the best advice, ever, I swear. Even Harold agrees.


Follow this great advice to survive high school — really, it’s the best, I swear. Even Harold agrees.

Welcome to the first edition of best advice in the world. My name is Gerald Strombonski, chief archivist of the Mav. I have traveled the world, looking for the answers to some of life’s greatest questions, and now I am here to share them with you. Let’s not waste any time, and jump straight into some questions!

“Dear Gerald, I’ve been struggling on my math tests for sometime now. My grades are plummeting and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried study groups, videos, everything! What can I do? Sincerely, Stressed out about subtraction.”

Dear Stressed out about subtraction,

I personally struggle with maths myself. However, I recently travelled to the depths of the Amazon and found an answer to this problem. A indigenous man to the forest showed me something amazing: a chemical called Dihydrogen Monoxide that when mixed with another chemical, disaccharide, can give humans unparalleled mental abilities in not only the math area of our brain, but also in the science and language centers as well. However, as heavy it is to say this, I bought the last bottle off of him. However there is luck, if you are to find these two chemicals, you too can become as smart as me! However be warned, since they are so rare they are expensive, my bottle was two hundred dollars. But in the grand scheme of things what’s two hundred measly dollars compared to infinite wisdom?

“Dear Gerald, I really like this girl. She’s funny, intelligent, and we get along really well! But the problem is: I don’t know how to ask her out. Could I get some advice? Sincerely, Lovestruck Guy.

Dear Lovestruck guy,

You know what women like more than anything? Strength. So if you’re not hitting the gym at least three times a day pack your bags bud. You’re out of luck. But if you can at least bench press a cow (like a certain someone) I’ve got a few tips on what to do when your lady friend is around to get you from sad city to smooch town. Step one: assert your dominance by fighting people around her. This way she’ll know you have the power to protect her against anything sort of threat. Step two: buy her stuff. The quickest way to the heart is by buying your way to it. As they say, the road to the city is paved in gold. And remember, nothing is too small. A car, a dog and fine dinner are some examples of first date material gifts. Step three: just kidding there is no step three because by now you’ve already got her! Now go and put these steps into practice and win yourself a girl!

“Dear Gerald, I really like this guy. He’s really cute and likes to talk to me a lot. How do I find out if he likes me? Sincerely, Lovestruck girl.”

Dear Lovestruck girl,

I don’t know I’m not a girl.

“Dear Gerald, I’ve been having some problems with this kid. He doesn’t like me much and calls me names and just generally tries to pick on me. I’m pretty tough when it comes to this stuff but recently it’s been getting worse. I want to find out why he’s been picking on me, and hopefully come to an understanding. Sincerely Bullied.”

Dear Bullied,

If you’re getting bullied in the first place It’s probably because you’re an unlikable schmuck. But if you really want some good advice, you need to assert your dominance by fighting him. Do it. Beat him up. Only then will he recognize you as the alpha and forever will you remain able to hold your kingdom, with access to the water hole  the copy machine.


Well that was my best advice for the best of you. If you need help, just send in your requests! I’ll answer them next article in a month or two. Until then, smell ya later!