The Mav

Corporate clouds (satire)

This article is satirical. No message or appeared directives of this article in any way represent the views or agenda of The Mav. This article is intended not to inform but entertain.

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Corporate clouds (satire)

Banks Dakin, Reporter

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Many know the pain of entering a room and being excited by the smell of some sweet treat, only to be deceived.

Cotton candy.

Blueberry.

Vanilla.

Smells one wouldn’t normally find in the handicapped stall on a Tuesday afternoon.

As the popularity of vaping devices in high schools increase, so does the demand for variety. Based on statistical analysis performed by the Institute of N. Des Moines, a leading expert in teenage marketing, has compiled a list of new flavors to keep teens hooked.

Sweet Honey Anarchy- Ironically a blueberry-mango mashup combined with the saliva of a thirteen year old Rottweiler by the name of Rosco. The testing audience describes it as a blissful trip to the outer layers of Chicago, Illinois. Not exactly in the city, but not exactly outside of it either.

Seven Rabbits- Exactly as it sounds. Seven moderately sized cottontails shoved into a JUUL and enjoyed thoroughly when paired with a ‘17 Santiago Station Sauvignon Blanc. Testers describe it as messy, and slightly gamey.

Inappropriate & Public Steam Engine: Depending on how much you admire Thomas the Tank Engine, this flavor may be for you. This train inspired flavor combines all the best parts of sweat, coal, and dirt to create maximum enjoyment and parental disappointment.

Sand– Yep, you guessed it. A half ounce of genuine sand. As course and sandy as they come.

Strawberry– This wacky new take on an American classic contains all six of your favorite dangerously harmful minerals that make up asbestos, mixed with isopropyl alcohol and a single peppermint. This flavor has recently hit the markets, and loyal consumers only rave about the product!

To avoid confusion, larger vape companies are really pushing the message that vaping is incredibly dangerous and detrimental to long term health and safety, but come on, it looks so cool.

About the Writer
Banks Dakin, Reporter

Banks Dakin is a junior. He enjoys dogs, cooking, and sports. This is his first year of newspaper, and he looks forward to a great year on staff.

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Corporate clouds (satire)