A general guide to growing indoor plants (Satire)

Growing an indoor plant is a unique commitment

Indoor plants can present the unique challenge of growing an emotional being in an environment totally unsuitable for its growth. Much like humans, raising a plant with too little attention can result in a lack of growth or drug addiction. Alternatively, too much attention can result in poor health and an overall lack of social skills.

It is a wonder these extreme dangers have little to no effect on the rate that people purchase and attempt, with little success, to grow indoor plants. This societal tendency is highly disparaging to plants, which, as IKEA proved, are extremely vulnerable to bullying. In fact, plants are vulnerable to a wide array of human-caused effects, such as poor music choice.

To save houseplants that you may have, the best option is to replant them in nature. Even transferring a plant into a yard is better for any species than the numerous dangers inside of the home. For those unwilling to do this, there are a few essential steps to maintaining healthy plants.

The first and foremost step of any growth plan is to create a plant friendly environment, or a simulation of a plant’s ecosystem of origin. In order to create this, you must dedicate a room in your home to the growth of plants. This should be either the foyer, or, in less expansive homes, the guest bedroom. Put simply, this means that you must not only commit to a single plant, but any other plant which that plant may need because, in the words of the great Bob Ross, “Everybody needs a friend.”

An additional requirement for the creation of this suitable environment for plants is a natural soil, along with proper watering. An ideal room would have the entire floor covered in soil, with a ceiling mounted sprinkler, to simulate the ground and rain. Adding animals, such as birds, from the plants natural environment into this artificial environment is an essential step to encouraging plant growth in the home.

Despite popular opinion, pots and a water pitcher are not adequate substitutes for the full environment, and can result in poor growth and plant suffering. Simply potting your plants is essentially starving your children.

Once you have created a plant friendly environment, you must work to create an overall positive environment for the plants to live in. This includes removing cursing from your vernacular, encouraging and complimenting all plants in the plant friendly environment, and playing music made without any wood products. Additionally, you must never read ‘The Lorax’, or watch the movie of the same name.

The final step to successfully growing indoor plants is to remove yourself from the environment. After 1 week, you should enter the environment only once per day, to check up on the plants. After 2 weeks, once every 2 days. At 4 weeks, you should no longer enter the environment. Enforce this by barricading all entrances to the room, preferably with large wooden boards and 3-5 inch nails. After this point, the plants will grow successfully with no intervention.

During this final step, should any plants show any sign of wilt or poor mental health, immediately replant them in a yard. That is their only hope. Should a plant die while in your possession, regardless of circumstances, you are considered a murderer and should never be allowed within a 50 foot radius of a plant again if not jailed for life.

With the help of this guide, anyone is able to grow healthy, successful plants. If you’re is unable to attain healthy plants growth with the help of this guide, then you should be barred from plant ownership, as you cannot understand or appreciate the commitment of owning a plant.