How to trade Halloween candy (Satire)

A guide on the most important moment on Halloween


Faith Hale

Candy overflows a Halloween bag.

Halloween, a holiday where you suffer cold temperatures and social pressure surrounding costumes for the sake of unhealthy food, is over. Now, you are daunted with your next task: defending your haul of Halloween candy. Despite the fact that half of it will spend the next six months forgotten under your bed, the quality of our candy means the world to us.

The trading of Halloween candy is the most organized and intense form of warfare on Earth. Here’s your personal guide to trading candy:

First, know your role in your group. Having a full-size candy bar is the equivalent of T-posing and asserting your dominance. On the other hand, if you stocked up on worthless things like raisins and toys, you will have to trade your entire candy bag for even one piece of desirable candy.

Second, know the values of candy. The internet is a great resource and will tell you that one Snickers equals three Starburst packs, three Starbursts equals ten Jolly Ranchers, etc. However, the internet doesn’t take personal preferences into account. For example, possession of a certain full-size candy bar can be a life-or-death situation. Some people will be more fair in their prices, like Emma Shipley (‘22), who says that for a full-size candy bar, “[Someone would] have to give me 2,000 mini ones.” 

Some people, like Alejandro Aguilar Rubio (‘22), are harsher. He says someone would “have to trade their first-born child”. Please be careful before considering a deal like this, for the person may be serious, and your child will live with the burning knowledge that you gave them up for a measly candy bar.

Lastly, decide what happens to the remaining candy and other goods that nobody wants. Traditionally, by the end of Halloween night, these sit disgracefully in a pile in the center of your group. You may go one of two ways: one, divide it up equally between members of your group, or two, force the haul on the kid who still falls for “Who’s Joe?” 

After deciding who keeps the candy, the fate of said candy is grim. Hayley Price (‘22) says that this candy “sits at the bottom of the candy bucket for all eternity until it gets sucked into another dimension that is inevitably at the bottom of the candy bucket”.

With this handy guide in mind, enjoy your Halloween and your new stash of candy. It may be one of the only times you get sweets for free and in such large quantities, especially if you are a single on Valentine’s Day.