Arizona Lee

What initiates change? Sometimes, we have to do it for ourselves.

Warm showers and cold feelings

I was lying in my dark room, falling deeper and deeper into a trap I laid for myself. I was chained in shackles placed by my own mind. I was caught in a deep, dark abyss of my own thoughts that intruded and clouded my mind. I was lying on my cold bed for hours as time seemed to drag on and on. I was wasting away in my own self pity and negative thoughts.

Mistakes I had made in my past projected and replayed in my mind like a slideshow. I was imagining past conversations I left in the wrong, wishing I could change them. This self-pity and depression I was feeling acted as an unrelenting force. Every day I would get home and fall right back into this black void I constantly put myself in. I felt as if everything I did was wrong or wasn’t good enough and so I wouldn’t do anything at all.

One night, I felt so tired of feeling so tired. I felt so angry with myself and the seemingly inescapable hole I had put myself into. I was done with being miserable every day. I had a desire to change and grow. That night, I decided to take a warm shower and contemplate where I was headed with my life. As I waited for the shower to slowly warm up, I decided to change the somber and melancholic music that I was so used to hearing. I was fighting the strongest battle I’ve ever had to regain my happiness and self-worth. I couldn’t have picked a better song to get me out of that place. I picked a song I had never heard before and got into the shower.

The warm water on my back started to raise my spirits, then the song started, and it changed my entire mindset. I felt as if I’d broken free from the shackles I’d been chained to for so long. I put my head under the water as it slowly washed over me freeing me from my mental prison I’d been trapped in for too long.

I got out of that shower a different person. I had completely different values, morals, and thoughts about everything. I realized that everything I’m not makes me everything I am. The past mistakes I had made were just that, past mistakes. They don’t define who I am, what defines me is how I learn and grow from those mistakes and thrive. I’m no longer that same person who made those mistakes; it just took me a while to realize that.

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