Welcome to The Mav’s Anti-Advice column where we share how not to handle challenges you face here in high school. Please note that the following is meant to be lighthearted and if you truly need someone to talk to, you can set up an appointment with your counselor here.

Dear FRIENDLESS,

I remember when I was a mere child in school as well. However, I had a perfect life, many friends, and anything a child could want. You see, early on, I had figured out the secret to being popular, or even merely likable, which I will let you know in a bit.

Your plight tugs at my heartstrings; it really does. But, no worries, as I’ve helped people out of this hole before.

First, you’re going to stand in front of a full length mirror and identify yourself. “What does that mean?” you may be asking me. Well, you’re going to see what makes you you. The way you talk, the way you walk, in essence, who you are as a loser— I mean, as a person. Then, take every genuine moment, thought, emotion, or aspect of yourself, the ones that deeply resemble your innermost truth…

And trash em, bud! No one wants to learn to get to know you! Instead, talk about what’s in, talk about what people want to hear about — not what you really care about. Chances are, the only reason you have a problem making friends is because you’re one boring loser! Get new clothes, give people money, and make sure you’re the most convenient friend a person could ask for. They wont like you, but that’s not what matters!