Trigger warning— the following vignette discusses sensitive topics revolving around sexual assault and abuse. Reader discretion advised.
No. A one-word sentence. My sentence you took as a challenge; a challenge of how far you could go. You pulled me across a line I wasn’t ready to cross, as your hands went further down. You didn’t ask as you led your hand under my clothes. I froze, praying to get out, for time to pass, to be alone again. For a while, I just told myself you didn’t know. You would never hurt me—you loved me. But it wasn’t real love, lust is not love. I will forever remember the look in your eyes. The need and desperation they held are engraved in my mind on repeat. I pushed you away once, not being able to take anymore. “You hate me” flowed through your lips. That phrase burned—I felt surrounded with guilt. It was my fault. I should enjoy this. But I didn’t. My skin felt raw, it stung with every touch, every movement. You made me hate myself. My body was no longer mine. I was just your prize to show off. Maybe I was broken, maybe I was the problem, maybe there was something wrong with me. A million different scenarios played through my head. I was tired, I would sleep all the time. That was the only time I felt at peace and truly safe. My escape. I needed someone to love me. Not my body, not my outward appearance, me. I have dreams, goals in life, a favorite color. But touching me was all you cared for. You’re angry, I still don’t know why. I couldn’t fix that, my body couldn’t fix that. But you still tried. I’m still learning to love myself, my reflection. And maybe one day the feeling of your hands pressed against me won’t replay as I try and let someone else into my heart.
(I have written this vignette to talk about a situation that so many people go through, in hopes, to try and make this a more open conversation. This subject has always been something I have been a heavy advocate for, specifically believing in and supporting victims. So many people choose not to talk about their situation, because of so many different factors. I have chosen to release this in hopes that someone will read it and feel a little less alone. I have chosen to stay anonymous because this is not just my story but also so many others as well.)
