How to run the motion-sensing hand dryers while you pee (Satire)

A comprehensive guide to improve your bathroom experience


Faith Hale

A happy Maverick uses a hand dryer in its best form

Adah McMillan, Copy and Design Editor

Before she goes into the bathroom stall, the exemplary female Maverick hits all of the buttons on the hand dryers so that they blow while she does her business.

Business like peeing and pooping, two activities so embarrassing and uncommon that if someone knew she was doing them, her social life would collapse. And we can’t forget the more feminine business. If someone knew she was doing what every other women’s bathroom user does, she would be shamed at catastrophic levels. Like potato sacks and ashes levels.

And then there’s the real business of vaping. The sound of the hand dryers covers up illicit activities that an administrative official might hear if they have the urge to poke their head into the girls’ bathroom. Better yet, they cloud up the nicotine sensors.

Or maybe she’s meeting all of her best friends for a mid-class discussion that is far more important than education. Teachers and admin just don’t understand how necessary socialization is, which is why they don’t give students, like, any lunch time. Our idealistic gal needs that hand dryer to drown out her essential chitchat, or her teachers will steal her right to “the freedom of speech [in the bathroom during class]” (The Bill of Rights, Amendment 1).

But a tragedy, a deliberate limit on student freedoms, has struck our school. The brand new G-Wing bathrooms have no buttons on their dryers.

Instead, these devices of liberty have been debilitated by motion sensors. 

When she needs to go Number Two, when she needs to get high, when she needs to discuss the pros and cons of Taylor Swift’s new album with her best buds, the Mead woman has no privacy of sound. 

But have no fear! The Mav is here! We have researched and tested several strategies to help you keep the motion-sensing hand dryers running for the entirety of your bathroom visit (if you will be spending your time in a stall). Here are the top five:

  1. Bring a companion. While you’re simultaneously taking a dump and discussing TS, put your bestie to good use and have them wave their hands under the dryer. This can also help you determine the strength of your friendship. The longer they’re willing to maintain the loud noise of the dryer, the better a bud they are. 
  2. Travel to another wing. Find a bathroom that has button-powered dryers. Your teacher might wonder why you were gone for so long, but you’ll get a ton of exercise. 
  3. Invest in a selfie stick. Yes, we know they’re outdated and only used by lame tourists, but these limb extensions are ideal for the friendless potty goer. Just expand the stick to its full size, point it under the stall at the hand dryer, and wave it like you would your cell phone flashlight at a concert. 
  4. Learn to pilot a drone. The future is now! Especially tech-savvy gals can buy a small drone and direct it to hover up and down under the dryer’s sensor. Bonuses of this option are that the drone’s blades will create extra noise, and you can flex your fancy flier in front of your friends. 
  5. Just don’t use the dryer. If these ideas all seem too exhausting, consider not attempting to use the dryer at all. Beware, this will conserve energy and be less obnoxious, so only do it as a last resort. 

We really hope that you learned something useful from these suggestions! Don’t let the structure of our bathrooms stop you from enjoying your freedom!