Isabella Pacotti

Apples became the unlikely hero in my life.

All opinions are those of the writers themselves and do not promote any official view or stance of Mead High School or St. Vrain Valley Schools.

Warning: The following content contains sensitive topics surrounding disordered eating habits. Reader discretion is advised.

Food has always been something I struggled with. In the eighth grade, I became more aware of my body. It was that transitional phase for everyone. I had always been skinnier. My nickname as a kid was ‘stick bug.’ Being thin was always important to me. It was superficial. I knew it was. It still mattered for some stupid reason.

It was also in the eighth grade when I first started skipping meals. I started with lunch. It was easy to skip. I would tell my friends that I had a big breakfast. Then just not eat. Sit on my phone, anything to avoid eating. No one noticed at first, or at least no one said anything.

One day, a close friend of mine brought me an apple. It was simple. She would walk up to my lunch table and bring me an apple or an orange every lunch. Watching me eat it to guarantee that I would eat. I don’t know how she noticed that I never ate lunch. She didn’t sit near my lunch table, but she just knew. It became harder to skip lunch with someone watching. I started eating more proper meals. Starting with an apple and working my way up to a sandwich, chips, and an apple. I am forever grateful for that first apple. I don’t think that friend knows how much that fruit helped me. For the rest of eighth grade I ate lunch.

Freshman year is when eating became an issue again. I started playing a sport where weight was an integral aspect. Your weight was something that others looked at. I had been at practice when someone made a comment about my weight. A girl said that she would be better at my position because she weighed less than me. I felt a pit build in my stomach. I remember going home and just sobbing when I got to bed. This wasn’t the only comment made about my weight during my time in that sport. I used to love that sport, but I quickly began to hate it.

I started skipping breakfast, then lunch. I wanted to lose as much weight as I could. I wanted to be the weight where no one would say anything about my body again.

My mental health was the worst during this time overall. I was more anxious and depressed. I knew it was because I wasn’t eating. I knew it was a problem, but when you dig yourself into a hole it’s hard to get yourself out. I could tell myself all the time that I needed to eat, but that doesn’t mean that I would. The dread was still there around the food. The feeling of sinking around a plate still lingered. I hated it.

I didn’t like going out to eat with friends. I didn’t want them to see me eat, or notice the fact that I wasn’t eating. I hated shopping for clothes. There were multiple times when I cried in a dressing room over my body. I was stuck. I knew I should eat. I knew that losing weight was bad for me. I knew I wasn’t healthy.

Slowly I started eating. I would like to say that it was easy and simple to do, but it was difficult. A dark fog sat around my plate. I truly don’t know how I started eating again, but I did. Thinking back on it, I just remember not eating and then eating all the sudden.

I would like to say that eating is not an issue now, but still there’s times where I feel like that freshman again. Where my plate brings anxiety.

I encourage you to eat. It’s not something you can just take away. Eating is so important to you. Don’t let anyone make you feel less about yourself. Be yourself. Be confident. You are perfect.