Four years
we grew up in the space between
“good morning” texts
and “stay on the phone a little longer.”

different schools pulled us apart
in quiet ways at first, new halls, new faces,
stories we couldn’t fully share
the way we used to.

we tried to hold it together
but love started to sounding like arguments,
like missed calls,
Like “you don’t understand me anymore.”

and then it broke.
not all at once
but in pieces we both fell,
and couldn’t be fixed.

now we stand across from each other
as “just friends”
talking calmly,
Like we didn’t used to be everything.

you tell me this is better,
that were healthier this way,
that we can still have each other,
without the hurt.

but this.
This isn’t enough.

and I nod,
because I don’t want to lose you twice.

because I still love you,
like you’re my world,
like every song still traces back
to your name.
like my chest forgets how to breathe right
when I remember you’re not mine anymore.

being friends feels gentle,
it feels mature,
it feels like were doing the right thing.

but it doesn’t feel like closure.

its feels like standing in a doorway,
that’ll never fully shut.
like holding onto something
I should’ve already let go of,
but I just don’t quite know how to.

I miss you
in ways I can’t say out loud,
in ways that make “friend”
feel wrong,
for everything we were.

and maybe one day,
I’ll learn how to breathe again
without needing you.

but right now,
loving you still feels
as natural
as the air I need to breathe.

the thought of you
with someone else
it twists my stomach,
a sickening feeling,
I can’t shake off.

I try not to picture it
but it finds me anyway
your laugh not ment for me,
your eyes finding hers,
the way you used to find mine.

and I’m stuck with this fear
that maybe I wont move on,
that I’ll stay right here
holding onto something
you’ve already let go of.

even at karate
when I’m supposed to feel strong,
I see your face,
that same smile,
that same… you.

and it breaks me
in the smallest, yet loudest ways.

doing karate like nothing changed,
catching slight glimpses of your face,
your energy,
the way you light up a room.

it hurts.

because your personality,
everything about you,
still feels like home
A home I’m not allowed to live in anymore.

but were just friends, right?

just friends
like it’s easy
to get over the love of my life,
after four years,
and were “just friends”.

it hurts me in a quiet, but constant way,
that no one else can see.

because you’re still you,
and I’m still me,
and everything that made me fall
for you, it’s all still right here.

but the truth is,
you’re moving on,
and I’m still here
holding onto something that’s already far gone.

And maybe the harshest part is,
you’ll be ok without me.

But I don’t know
how to be ok
without you.

Sad truths,
harsh learning experiences,
all to be just friends.