Current inflation in the US is at an all-time low of 3.7 percent because the value of money simply doesn’t exist anymore. A new up-and-coming method of financial counseling called “girl math” has been taking the nation by storm, dropping the inflation rate down a whole five percent from last year’s eight percent. In girl math, companies find themselves gaining customers and revenue every week. 

Experts describe girl math as revolutionary, a way to never have to worry about unsettling, rising prices. Composed of many different interests, girl math lays out rules that justify very necessary purchases — recognizing time, convenience, and how money is just a concept.

The rules are as follows:

• Price per wear: if you’re buying something for 150 dollars, but if wear it enough times to make up for the price, it is free.
• Concert tickets are free because they were bought months in advance, and you’ve already made the money you spent on them back.
• Anything that’s paid for in cash is free.
• Spending an extra 50 dollars to meet the 90 dollars free-shipping requirement means shipping was free because you got more items and didn’t have to pay 10 dollars extra to have something come to your house when it could’ve been free.
• Starbucks is free when you use money already loaded on your Starbucks card. (Seriously, if you’re not using the app to get Stars, what are you doing?)
• If you don’t spend money today, your budget for tomorrow doubles.

Rules for girl math are endless — reserved to none, never explicitly stated, and not exclusive.

Since these rules are so simple, the national government has found that the need for a financial advisor is at an all-time low, which is good since they’re all quitting their jobs due to all the girls knowing how to manage their money.

With inflation progressively decreasing thanks to the power of girl math, it proves that US citizens don’t have to be worried about facing higher interest rates and being unable to afford goods because the value of money is slim to none. Before, the economy was growing at such a leisurely rate that many were worried about the purchasing power of consumers, but since we’ve been earning money back, everyone will be ten times richer!

Most elements of this article are satirical but the main message is not: inflation is a real issue affecting our economy, so make money wisely, and spend money wisely.