[Warning: This article contains spoilers and discussion of mental illness and suicide, viewer discretion is advised]
If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin is not just a romance, it’s a slow unraveling of timing, mental health, obligation, and the kind of love that never really disappears. It wrecked me. I sobbed when Finn died, but, if I’m being honest, the devastation started long before that final chapter.
The story follows Autumn and Finn, childhood best friends who drift apart as they grow up and fall into different friend groups and relationships. What makes the book so painful is the constant sense of almost. They are always close to choosing each other, always one honest conversation away from getting it right, but pride, fear, and obligation keep them apart.
Autumn is one of the most relatable characters I’ve ever read. She knows she’s beautiful. She knows she’s weird. She loves who she is. She wears tiaras to school because she wants to, not because she needs approval. She refuses to shrink herself for other people. That confidence makes her feel strong and authentic. But at the same time, she struggles deeply with depression.
Her suicide attempt is one of the most important and heartbreaking parts of the book. It isn’t written for shock value. It shows how overwhelming everything became for her after already dealing with depression for so long. Even someone who knows her worth can reach a breaking point. That moment changes the tone of the story. It reminds you that her internal battles are real and dangerous, not just moodiness or teenage drama. It makes every relationship around her feel more fragile.
The book also explores the pressure of staying in high school relationships even when you’ve outgrown them. Autumn stays with Jamie partly out of comfort and obligation. Jamie represents the emotional exhaustion that can exist in relationships when one person is struggling mentally. His comment about her being exhausting during her depressive episodes is especially painful because it makes her feel like a burden. And then cheating on her with her best friend only reinforces how self centered he can be. I hate him the same way I hate Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby because of how casually he hurts people and avoids accountability.
Finn is amazing, but he’s not perfect. His decision to cheat on Sylvie complicates his character. It shows that good people can make terrible mistakes. But his love for Autumn feels constant and real, which makes the ending unbearable. His death isn’t romanticized. It’s sudden and final, and it leaves you with the crushing realization that sometimes people don’t get their timing right before it’s too late.
This book is messy because life is messy. It deals with depression, obligation, missed chances, betrayal, and grief in a way that feels painfully realistic.
