I hate having a crush. I never know if I like them or not, whether I’m excited because it’s someone new and I’m getting to know them. I try to convince myself that I don’t like them—we just have something in common. We’re just spending a lot of time together, and I don’t actually like them.
I hate having a crush because it causes me to involuntarily obsess over someone. I catch myself thinking about what they’ll think about my outfit or makeup and plan my actions around what I think their opinion might be. I wait for them to compliment me for my unknown efforts, just to be let down and unnoticed. I try to dress and act the way that they’d like so maybe they’d give me a chance, even if they don’t like me.
Having a crush isn’t that bad until you know they don’t like you, then it feels a little weird. I start to think, is there something wrong with me? I know there’s nothing wrong with me, they just don’t like me, and that’s okay, but why don’t I feel okay?
I try to move on, but then they do one little thing that has a 0.01% chance of meaning they like me, and then I’m all over them again. I try to focus on other things, and I repeat it in my head: They don’t like me. They don’t like me. They don’t like me. But it’s no use.
I blast “Let You Break My Heart Again” by Laufey in my room, resonating with the lyrics. It’s been months and “Ooh, still you take up all my mind.” How long is too long for a crush? When does it become unhealthy?
Liking someone for this long HAS to be unhealthy. I’m constantly letting myself down because I know the other party’s feelings and continue to indulge in my delusions. When does it end?
“Until then I’ll drink my coffee, eat my pie, pretend that we are more than friends.” – Laufey
Sometimes I imagine what it’d be like if we were together, knowing the things I’m imagining are things you would never do or say. Have you ever heard the theory that sometimes we don’t actually like them, you just like the idea of them?
I come full circle and try to think of any excuse of why I don’t like them, and that oh I just see them a lot or maybe I’m just bored. I just want these feelings to end so everything can go back to normal. I hate having a crush.
