Thursday, Dec. 7, some community members spoke out to the Mav Student Newspaper about a traumatizing cycle of events.
“I used to be an elf. There, I said it,” said Ellen Degeneres, a Mead local undergoing witness protection protocol.
Former elves have spoken out about how Santa’s little helpers actually came to be.
“I was a little girl when Santa snatched me from my bed. He truly does know when we’re sleeping and when we’re awake,” said Lowri Serrano. “He told me, ‘Listen kid, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout!’”
Another Mead local said, “It was awful. I was able to get away once I had grown up. I was sick and tired of building toys for the rest of my life just because I accidentally saw Santa.”
This former elf would like to keep her identity a secret in fear of retaliation from North Pole Inc. She would like to tell the public that there is hope when caught in Santa’s claws.
“I was able to start my life over again. I had the opportunity to work on a show about over-caffeinated friends. I was even married to Brad Pitt for a little bit. There is hope for all the elf refugees out there.”
Other ex-elves told me why Santa would do such a thing.
“It was because I saw him. Santa may be a jolly man, but all good stalkers know how to evade detection. One day when he drank too much milk, he told me that all the elves working alongside me were once children too. They had just opened their eyes at the wrong time,” said Poe Allen.
There are ways to keep kids safe this season. Mead father of two, Fillip Potts, told us that he keeps little tin horns and little toy drums at hand in case his kids accidentally wake up to Santa Claus.
“Keep your kids safe this season. Do what you can to make them stay asleep until morning. I use a little cough syrup before they go to bed,” said Potts.
